This is the big one. Before Final Fantasy XIII, before I adopted the phoenix, before I knew what either of those was- hell, before I even discovered the term Anguissette, and even before I could read- one defining characteristic has been, has always been with me; I am a masochist. More than that, more than just that word, there is something that I have been since my earliest memory, something that has driven me more than any other facet of my life, that has led me to find a home within the title. The term Anguissette is from Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel’s Dart, and is a person who feels no pleasure without pain, and no pain without pleasure. Whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual suffering, finding beauty and relief within those most brutal circumstances.
Due to recent events, I feel it’s time to write this, because this is who I am. I’m writing this because I need to, and perhaps I’m trying to process what has happened to me. I can’t tell you how many times over the past years I’ve begun writing something of this sort, only to delete it entirely afterwards. It wasn’t time before. Fair warning, in the coming series of articles I will be discussing a lot of details about not only sexuality, but also personhood itself, and my story has moments that are difficult. And I mean what I said about being this way since literally my earliest memory. I knew something was going on when I was four. My mother knew when I was six. Although I write this wondering why I felt a need to warn you, good reader. Perhaps it’s because, to me, this is my life, but I often forget that concepts and states that I find natural and normal aren’t always considered so. Then again, that’s part of the story I suppose.
Why now? Because if I don’t write this I might truly go mad. There’s no sane way to put that, there’s no sane way to put a lot of what I feel. But that’s why I write, to abate madness which would consume me if I did not. Besides, I’ve had this site for a while now, and have never truly delved into the mother of all media and conceptions of my self. This defines me more than anything else, and I truly know that it has determined the path my life has taken even more than being a transsexual. It’s time, so over the next couple weeks I’m going to take you through how I’ve come to know myself. Who knows, perhaps in doing so I can send a signal, perhaps it might help me find what I am looking for.
This is the story of how a depressed young masochist grows into an actualized Anguissette. Wherein I reconcile some difficult truths, weather a confusing childhood, survive horrendous abuse, and unknowingly sacrifice my ability to feel pleasure, yet ultimately find it again deep-within and married perfectly to pain. We all have our journey, we are all finding our way, and this is a glimpse at me finding mine.
Part One – Childhood and Teenage Years
Part Two – Transition (February 12th)
Part Three – The Two Most Influential People in my Life (February 19th)
Part Four – Reconciliation and Healing (February 26th)