Not because of any responses I’ve gotten over it, but more because I think I processed what I needed to. Or at least in the way I needed to. I wanted to write about my masochism, and how I truly am in a situation where I cannot feel physical pleasure- and so finding joy within pain has become both the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. But, while I have found, and continue to find, a lot of value in processing through writing (it is what I do after all), I find I’m more comfortable by exploring other avenues. In fact, I recently wrote a novel and am currently trying to publish it, and it contains a lot of events inspired by my own- but that’s how writers write, we weave fiction and experience together into character and prose.
The outright, public admission of a lot of things wasn’t working for me. Partially because part three was going to deal with sexual abuse, and no matter how I wrote it, it always felt gratuitous. Even without explicitly stating what happened to me, the fact is that what I went through, and those horrible memories, are mine and not anyone else’s. I’ve certainly expressed what happened to me to therapists and very, very trusted and close people, but it’s not for the public realm. Even writing it in the form of a guide to identify abusive relationships didn’t feel appropriate. I think I learned that while I’ll certainly post a lot online, and I’m fine with that (I haven’t posted anything here that I regret, and the first part will remain online), there are some memories that are mine and not yours.
So for now I won’t be continuing the series, although this blog means a lot to me even if I don’t post as much as I’d like. If nothing else, let resonancefrequency.net continue being a glimpse into what I love and why, as I decide where to take it next.
I was surprised by how many people actually read that article though, and appreciate the kind words (even if they were mostly spoken in private). To be honest, right now as I write this at 0058h on Thursday morning, I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for some time. But I think I’m glad to say that I was able to process what I needed to when it comes to this.
The other articles will permanently reside in my drafts folder, alongside quite a few others. But I have no doubt that the memories upon which they are based will continue to inspire my fiction for decades to come.